The One that Got Away...

Last time I was talking about how much I've learnt in the business of putting a book together, even a very slim one. It's a bit like packing to go away - there isn't enough room for everything you wanted to include.  So some stuff just doesn't make it. A shame really, to discard poems you spent a lot of time on and got fond of.  But such is life.

So here's one that got away.

Actually, it got away in another sense. In a sequence looking at and thinking about suicide, this was one of the very few that describes a non-suicide - a suicide that almost was, but wasn't.  

It's also special in that it's a description of a genuine event.  Of course, in trying to imagine certain aspects, I'm making it up, but the main story's completely true.

A further reason - spoiler alert - for my sadness at its getting-away is that the hero, the saviour, is a dog.  Had it not been for her dog... 
high time to give you the poem.

Here we go then

Here we go then.

I have pushed out every one –

smooth white bombs, little tablets

lined up on the table

where I eat my meals.  Each one

leaves an exploded crater

waiting now, its shell intact

to hatch in darkness

seen by no one.

My dog looks up

hearing me talk.  You’ll be

all right I say. He listens to my words.

I’ve opened several tins –

that’s three days’ meals.

He won’t go hungry.

And the door’s wedged open

so he can go out when he wants.

I’ve cared for him.

Here is my tea

with the usual two spoons, plus another –

I know how they’re bitter pills.

Amitryptilline – the word

rolls off the tongue. I stir in the last sugar,

saying the word, savouring it,

then say it again, and once more –

one each for the sugars.

He turns his head

to look at me.

It’s time to go, I say out loud.

Perhaps he understands.

But you’ve got all you need –

I’ve made sure of that.

I pick them up – a handful –

and I gobble from my open hand,

like a dog with his face in the bowl.

One rolls away

which he follows

under the table, then looks up.

I’ll just go all sleepy I say

and you’ll be all right, just like I said.

I’m at the end of the line

and that’s the last of the tea. Now

I’ll go to lie down, as if it’s night time –

you do the same I tell him.

He follows me

looking worried.

He won’t settle down – somehow

he knows.  He’s upset.  I reach out

to him.  He comes closer.  Just

sleep I repeat.  But not quite the same.

How will he be when I don’t wake up,

not responding and when I am smelling

different?  His pain and distress come to my mind

his reactions –

the whines and the

barking. Softly at first, to wake me up

gently.  Then louder, and louder.

Where has she gone when she’s here?

Won’t any one hear? He’ll pull

on my clothes, lick at my flesh

then bound around and do it again –

his pain and distress all getting worse –

where will it end?

I can’t do this.

I cannot do this to such a loyal friend.

I get up and go to the phone

999.  Yes, an overdose.

They want the details –

my age, the place, the number of tablets –

that’s enough. They’re on their way.

I put down the phone. Here we go then.

And hug my dog.

But it was a close run thing - she almost died.

One that got away... just.